Monday, March 26, 2012

It's okay

Parenthood is one hard motherfucker.

I am a mean mother!

Some days I feel like a stranger standing outside myself watching my parenting and I am shocked at what I see. Why do I yell so much? Is the kid really being that unruly or is he just being three? I'm sure pregnancy hormones are part of the problem at the moment, along with being off certain medications (albeit natural) to help with stress. I don't know what's going on with the man of the house but he seems to pretty much clock out as soon as he gets home from work and hit the booze lately, leaving me to deal with the kid.

Yesterday was a difficult one for me, and by dinner time I just wanted to cry. So I served up the food, put one of my favourite music dvds on loud and jumped in the shower to destress. Hubby being the pain in the arse that he is started skipping through songs to find one he felt like listening to, then almost like magic he landed on my favourite of the whole lot, probably of any dvd ever invented. It's the magic of Eddie Vedder picking up a note passed through the crowd at the end of Daughter and going with it. It is exactly what I needed to hear last night while the water was cleansing me of my shitty mother-ness.

I can't figure out how to embed it at the start of the song I'm referring to, so enjoy some Daughter first or skip to 4:00 

Friday, March 23, 2012

It's been a loooong day

This song has come to mind more than a few times today. I don't know what it was about today, but it really kicked my arse. Work wasn't particularly busy, I didn't have a particularly bad sleep last night (I am pregnant, so I did put a load of washing on at 2am...) but I have been so freaking pooped today.

Today marks 16 weeks and according the the baby book, there is an avocado-sized kid in my belly. Maybe that explains the fatigue... and the lack of words to complete this post.

Ni night!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Is it depressing in here, or is it just me?

I'm having a bad day. Like, scream at the kid until I burst into tears bad. He is annoying the absolute shit out of me even now, singing the ABCs on the lounge chair while eating a vegemite scroll. Stupid song, stupid messy scroll. Just yesterday I sat in a doctor's office discussing how awesome I am at handling my depression and how I've got this and I don't want any assistance. It's like yesterday I had rose coloured glasses on, and this morning I woke up and some arse hole has hidden them. Yesterday, and for many months before, I have been TOTALLY FINE.

I've been waiting for this day, I knew it was on the way. I wasn't naive enough to think I was just suddenly cured. It's so frustrating to be reminded that I don't have it all under control, and right now is possibly the worst time to try and lean on my husband for support. He is already leaning on me and I've started to gurgle a bit under the water. I just want to scream.

Right now my house is a bomb site. There is a big pot of ravioli in the electric frypan from last night- Rick was already drunk as a skunk when I got home and I was too mad to eat it or put it away. Axel didn't even sleep on sheets last night because the stupid dog pulled them off the line and pissed on them while I was at work. There are approximately 7000 hot wheels cars strewn across the lounge room floor and I'm 90% sure I saw something move on the dining room table.

Fuck today, I'm going back to bed.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Picture perfect

I'm not going to lie, my life is as boring if not more so than my blog. Which means the photos in my phone, well, boring. But here are a few that I carefully selected to share on facebook to make it look like I do interesting things. I'm sharing them here for Eden's Fresh Horses.
I'm a lucky wife, even if my husband doesn't know
how to put dirty undies in the laundry basket

Who doesn't snap photos of tiny geckos
while on the can?

Cat latte, obviously

Unmade bed and 14 week bump/food baby

A spidey that stayed on my windscreen
for a 20km trip to work on the freeway 

Kid and me getting ant bites

Undies boxing in the hall. I'd be in big
trubz if he ever sees this on the internets


At a birthday party - before he gets a toy

and after. That's the birthday boy on the
left, obviously his mother is a better teacher
of humility than me

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Confessions of a Housewife

I really hate laundry. Like, with a seething, undying passion. The backdoor JERK neighbour has this overgrown flame tree that hangs over my clothesline encouraging all kinds of creepy crawlies to live in my peg basket. I grew up with a hippy father who didn't like us using electricity unnecessarily so I know that the dryer is bad.. but I totally wait for days like today to actually do the laundry. It's raining, oh well, I'll have to use the dryer!

I have never cleaned my bin. Hubby had a little fit a few weeks ago when we awoke to maggots, yes maggots, on the kitchen floor. It was putrid and terrifying, but I still haven't cleaned the bin. What's the point? I'm only going to put more rubbish in it.

Whenever my mother comes to visit I turn into a mad scrubbing machine trying to make the house presentable. That is the only time my bathroom ever meets any kind of mould remover or glass cleaner. This is also the only time I'll dust. I like that the parentals don't visit too often because I wouldn't want hubby to get used to a bathroom that shiny.

Having confessed to these little feral undertones, my house is actually really tidy. I get really stressed out when there is shit everywhere. The beds are always made and ready for a certain three year old to jump on and mangle. The loo gets cleaned freakishly regularly because of that same three year old who is still learning to aim... can't stand the smell of wees on the floor! The kitchen especially is always clean. Well, except for nights when I'm tired and hubby has cooked (read- turned the kitchen into a bomb site). Those nights I rinse the crap and leave it for future Amy to sort out. Future Amy is always pissed in the morning.

I am a good cook. I chuck onions and garlic into a jar of anything and vòila! If I'm having a lazy night I just text Rick and tell him I'm cooking something new and innovative and he'll say he's eaten at work already. Then Axel and I eat toast.

Best. Housewife. Ever!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Blogging fun!

My pal Robyn from Slightly More Depth Than a Teaspoon tagged me in a blogging game. This makes my Sunday morning mucho exciting! So far all I've done is pull a rotten banana out of the bird's cage and eat two bowls of cereal.

Describe yourself in seven words 
Busy, tired, tolerant, passionate, impatient, hard working

What keeps you up at night?
Well, last night it was my newly divorced neighbour entertaining a house full of gentlemen. The night before it was the service station across the road getting ram-raided by some teenagers in a stolen van. I kid you not, living on a main road has its noisy burdens. But in all seriousness, the usual anxieties that come with motherhood have meant I haven't been a deep sleeper since September 3, 2008. That's the day a slimy little pink guy came into my life and required me to always have one ear open. He fell out of bed the other night and I was in there beside him before he even registered what happened. He is currently awaiting an operation to remove his tonsils and over-sized adnoids, so I'm not afraid to say I am that mum that goes in and puts my hand in front of his nose to make sure he's breathing oh, two times a night at least.

Who would you like to be?
Well, I realise there isn't a lot of use wishing I was the rockstar alter ego of my teens, but I still let myself dream. In all seriousness though, I just want to be better at being me. And I'm really trying. Pregnancy hormones are kicking my ass a bit at the moment, but I do think I'm on the road to being a more fulfilled, calmer, happier person. Right now my kid keeps throwing cushions at me and I'm not even hardly yelling at him almost.

What are you wearing right now?
An old floral dress my mum picked up from St. Vinnie's for me. It's my go-to outfit for the house as I don't need to wear a bra, but if the neighbour calls me over to the fence (which he will almost certainly do when I go outside to put clothes on the line) he can't see my nips. And I have made an effort to get out of the pjs by 9am... which lets face it, I should be celebrated for.

What scares you?
Getting to the end of my life and realising I didn't fulfill my dreams. It goes hand in hand with not knowing what my dreams are and wondering if I'm doing it all wrong. Also, my kids turning out to be total jerks when they grow up. Or bankers. Or Australian National Party pollies.

What are the best and worst things about blogging?
The best is it makes me feel part of something, especially in this new era of bloggers networking with memes and games like this. It gives me a reason to babble on in the hopes I can connect with someone.
The worst is feeling on the outside sometimes, like the cool kids all belong to a click and I don't have a cool enough lunch box to sit with them.

What is the last website you visited?
My Sizzling September Mummy's facebook group. Today there is a candid discussion on how often you give it up to your partner. It's full of women who are due the same month as me and I'm finding it to be an awesome aspect of social media. Last pregnancy I was all alone, this time I have the world right there. Awesome. 

What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?
Physically, there are loads of things, but I'll wait til September before I'll start picking myself to pieces. There are things I hope to change about my life this year, specifically getting back into uni to finish off my diploma of education. But I am having a hard time imagining me studying full time with a newborn baby.
 *dance break*

Slankets - yes or no?
Anything that frees your hands up for a glass of wine and a bowl of cheezels while still keeping you snug? Come on, get with the times, man!

Tell us something about the person who tagged you
Robyn and I were childhood friends and now we are bloggy friends. She has a beautiful family and a beautiful soul. 

Now the tricky part: tag five bloggers so they can share ten things about themselves. 
I am pretty new to the blogesphere so I don't have a network of people to tag, so if you're reading this, I tag you! Leave me a comment so I can go and read ten things about you, and then we can be buddies, ok!?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Much muchness

Life is ticking by here in Amy Springs. It's hot and boring and I always have something to complain about. Today we are chilling and doing laundry and waiting for something to happen. Axel is counting down until tonight when Racing Stripes is on tv. Sometimes I wish I was a kid again, simpler times.

I remember over four years ago I was in my final year at uni and spending 50% of my time working my arse off waiting tables and tending a bar, 2% of my time putting in a little effort at uni and the other 48% of the time getting shit-faced. Stupid little things seemed so important and life was so hard man. It was also mind-numbing and I remember laying in bed at The Acid House (the share house of your dreams) wishing something, anything would happen. I didn't expect that something to come in the form of a surprise fetus, but them's the cards you's dealt!

I try to remember this when I have days like today. The grass is always greener huh. My time now is split 50% working my arse off waiting on tables, 50% being housekeeper/wife/mother/zookeeper/secretary/banker/shopper/stylist-to-the-stars... Soon I can chuck responsible for a brand new life into the mix. And then I will lay in bed at night wondering if he's breathing and when he's going to need another feed and if my milk is substantial enough and why can't I sleep and god I wish I could sleep and I hope Axel has mercy and leaves me alone in the morning when he gets up ridiculously early to watch cartoons.

For today I will take boring and laundry and I might even wash the car and bathe the stinky dogs.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Who is Joseph Kony?

I saw this video someone shared on facebook this morning. My initial reaction was '30 minutes? This better be funny'. It isn't funny at all, but it is important and it is taking social media by storm.

Watch the video. Share the video. Sign the petition. It's a good cause! Joseph Kony is the number 1 most wanted man for war crimes against society, that's nutburgers!

I am in awe of how quickly this has spread. I'm sure people have tried similar tactics before without this kind of speedy success; albeit usually for marketing purposes for stupid things we will buy that we don't need. This morning I had never heard of Joseph Kony, and I am a frequent tumblr, twitter and facebook user. Tonight it is everywhere like wild fire. It's the amazing power of social media.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Do Angels Exist?

I have always been a morbid kind of person. I grew up believing in ghosts and angels and demons, so definitely that I would lie awake at night with the covers over my head terrified to look out into the darkness. In our house in the country you had to pass a screen door to get to the bathroom. Late night pee breaks would fill me with dread. I would close my eyes and run past that door for fear of the Mothman or some freaky dark angel standing under the clothesline.

 My mother has a strong connection to the afterlife. Or fascination with it. I don't know, but don't ask her if you get spooked easily. The day I told her I don't have a guardian angel she kind of shot me this 'oh god, she knows'  face. She denies any recollection of this at all now. Mum on the other hand has so many angels. She sees them all the time in various things, in butterflies in particular. I think it's a bit cliché how many people see their butterfly angels, but it must be an easy way for angels to communicate with their peeps.

Anyway, for years I believed I don't have an angel. I asked and looked and begged and meditated on it. It's a similar feeling of rejection that I got when I'd ask and beg for Jesus to be my pal and walk with me the way he walks with mormons and stuff. It didn't seem fair to me and I convinced myself that it must be my soul; maybe I've done bad things in a previous life?
The angel above my son's bed
These days I am pretty sure that someone is looking out for me in some capacity. This year has been a big overhaul of beliefs and spirituality for me, and it's only March. I'm not in a rush to figure out the meaning of life, but I know what I feel and I feel that an angel might have found me. I really think spirituality and psyche go hand in hand; and unhealthy psyche leads to an unhealthy spirituality and vice versa. Maybe that's why I have had this awakening of ease - I'm getting better.

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

Eden from Edenland take photos of the feathers her angels leave behind. What do you believe?