Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today's Lesson

Today's lesson is to be grateful for what you have. It can be difficult, and I am a classic hot-headed virgo so I know better than some. Today, for example, I decided to brave the heat and bundle Axel into the car for a spot of op-shopping, only to have the damn stupid unreliable piece of poo break down ages away from home. It was hot, child was edgy, husband was very busy at work and thus unhappy to be pulled away to deal with dumb car. We were both hot-headed by the time he got the car running (and the op shop had closed). Throw in a trip to woolies with aforementioned edgy child and a touch of arriving home to find the dog had pulled the clean clothes of the line - again - and you have yourself a pretty wild mama. 

Then I got home, stripped off, gave Axel chocolate biscuits to buy myself ten minutes worth of peace, poured myself a beer and logged onto facebook. The very first story to pop up on my feed was a post from my half sister. She'd updated her blog, which is a journal she is keeping to track her Multiple Sclerosis. It isn't great news, and my heart aches for her. I was going to post a link but it's a tricky situation. I don't know my half sisters (from my dad's first marriage) all that well and am actually just glad they've added me on facebook. I feel helpless, so I had to write it down some way, wave a flag for her. I feel such a strong affection for this woman who I hardly know, and am scared for her health but also for the knowledge I am privy to without any support or connection. We got into contact just before her diagnosis last Christmas, and things have been very up-and-down for her, not just with her health but with other things as well (can you say Brisbane floods?).  I can't imagine what she must be going through, but I am trying to, just so I will stop being such a whiny bitch when something doesn't go my way. 

Nyeh. Anyway, as I was saying: be grateful for what you have, because there are people out there who don't have the luxury of a healthy working nervous system or brain. You are so lucky! 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Master Axel

I did something drastic this evening.. I'm not sure how my husband is going to take it when he gets home.



Husbter and I have had heaps of heated debates about what to do with Axel's golden locks. He has had two haircuts already which were both tidy-up trims, but he seems to have inherited mum's ability to grow hair at an enviable speed. The first time we got his hair cut we were so shocked at how grown up he looked we decided to let him be a hippy kid a la celebrity children. 

Exhibit A
Exhibit B              Exhibit C

Lately Axel has been asking for a spiky hair cut like his uncle (who's a regular number 1 with the clippers kind of guy). Today there were big red warning signs all over Axel's daycare center alerting a recent outbreak of nits *shudder* which set in stone the events that followed. I'm not worried about how old he looks, or how hubster will react to that aspect; this kid came to me the other night with his bed time pull ups we call 'special undies' and demanded to know why he has to wear nappies. "Oh no those aren't nappies, they're big boy... nap ... pies" and every night since he has worn his trusty Lightening McQueen undies to bed without hassle. Our kid is such a big boy now and we are chuffed. 

The problemo numero uno is that my husband demanded that the next hair cut be in the form of a mullet. Yeah. This came up before we got married, and I still went ahead and locked myself down with the guy. A father willing to, nay insisting upon inflicting his own son with the embarrassment of having a mullet post 1982. We'll see if that ever happens while I still have a pulse.

What day is it?

I quit my job the other day, after getting my knickers in a knot about the late pay issue. On the day I quit my pay was two weeks late; I think that warrants leaving a shitty casual cafe job if you ask me. The boss there is quite a hard arse so it shocked me when he got upset and asked me to reconsider. He sent his sidekick (best friend, in charge of accounts and wages) in just before I left to suss out why I was leaving. I copped out and mumbled a load about personal circumstance/stress/distance to travel because I don't like confrontation and I don't like to be mean. What I meant was not only the dicking around with my pay, but with the other supervisor there who happens to have just began a relationship with the boss. As far as I have seen since I arrived, she only came clean about sleeping with him so she could cop out on work, and has not lifted a finger since. The unfairness of it got to be too much to bare. 

If I am going to just be a waitress and barista, I am going to put my back in to it and work hard to be the best waitress and barista. I am pretty modest with most things, but I actually am the best waitress and barista. It's my way of trying to block out the fact that I have no career. So having said that, I am pretty pleased that they offered me more money, more power, full time hours, less hours, any hours I want. But I'm pretty sure I can't go back. Even with the anxiety of not having income to pay the bills after this week, I feel soooo much more relaxed. I threw my resume around the morning before I quit, and have had a healthy stream of interviews and offers so I'm not too worried. I'm just going to work on putting positive energy out there for the time being and trust that things will fall into place nicely.

The other niggling thought I have about work is that maybe I should happily stay hating my job so that I have more urgency to get back to study in 2012. But on the flipside, isn't 2012 the end of the world? Not sure if I want to spend it with my face in a text book... 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Cop out Friday

Today, much like last Friday, has been punishing.

Tonight, much like last Friday, means buying greasy fish and chips from the angry German down the road because I CBF'd cooking. (Side- he is such a jerk! I wish his food didn't taste so damn good. Tonight when I asked for extra seasoning he stared blankly at me, so I reiterated 'extra salt?' which must of offended him because I'll be damned if I could spot a single grain of salt in the whole package).

This week, much like the last two weeks, my pay is late. This week it is actually much later in that it didn't arrive at all. I'm so angry that all I can do is breath in, breath out, and repeat. Woozah.

I am struggling to find happy, normal Amy inside myself. I know she's there and I am making an extra effort to pull her to the surface, but it's difficult. Sarcastic, negative Amy likes to have the full floor, ya know? It'll all work out, that I know for sure, but I hope it hurries on up.

Now, time for wine and NOT washing up. Friday nights mean bath wars with my kid, so over and out.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Dark days

I thought I had depression all worked out. The curtains were drawn and the windows opened in my head and it was light and airy. I guess I got too cocky.

It's been a tricky week. The frustrating part is I can read the symptoms - stress, difficulty sleeping, lax in exercise - but I can't read the cause. I have no idea why I feel the way I do. Well, I have ideas as to what causes a few symptoms, but I'll be damned if I can differentiate between this week and the 'good' weeks. So I hate my job, who doesn't? So my kid wakes me up too early in the morning, who's doesn't? Why is this week special? Why do I suddenly become this horrible, erratic emotional volcano erupting on my wonderful husband and son? 

I don't know the answer, but I do know that this has me shaking in my boots. Maybe I'm not okay after all.